Brooding Sighs
by SparkleBOT
Summary: Normal day in the life of an angst couple, filled with all those cliche moments you hate. I warn you, don't read, but then you'll do it anyway. What we think is always hidden in the parenthesis.


**Okay, most people don't like parodies, bur inspiration struck. Here are your favorite angst cliches and with the characters we know and love not seeming to notice them. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. SM does. End of story; gonna go weep in a corner now.**

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_Brooding Sighs_

Bella sighed a melodramatic sigh, one that indicated something was on her mind, though she should have been focusing her attention on the hoard of boys pitching for her attention. But she was at that age, that high-school age, where it didn't matter if a million and one of the most eligible bachelors in the world were trying to propose to her; not if _that boy_—the unattainable one, the silent, brooding one who was trying to convince you with weird Jedi-eye tricks that he was a human and not a vampire who only wanted love—did not want her.

Bella sighed again, blinking repeatedly that someone might have confused her for having a twitch. But nay, she was simply dreaming of various degrees of ways the human-stop-trying-to-make-me-seem-like-a-vampire boy would carry her into her forever.

"Yo, Bella," Jessica said, waving a hand in front of her friend-that-was-not-a-friend-because-she-had-the-attention-of-the-boy-I-like.

"Sorry," she said, putting a hand to her forehead in merriment. "I was thinking of happily ever after."

Jessica grimaced and tried not to mutter "weirdo" under her breath.

Then we skip over to a cheerier day, because brooding stares into each other's eyes and would-be confessions of love aren't good enough for our protagonist. She is thinking again (as all Mary Sue protagonists must think to themselves while they contemplate their latest drama—friends, what are those?) of the boy whose name is Edward. She does not focus on the fact that this name could have many puns made to poke fun at it, as any sane person would, but she dreams of different words to describe his hair to herself.

She thinks she will never get to be with him—and woe is her. However, we know this not true. All our heroes who brood over each other and barely have one single civil conversation are destined to fall in love. (Eh, why not?)

But as she sits there on the edge of a cliff (whoa, whoa, hey there; how did Bella get on a cliff?) her knight in shining armor appears, baring danger and money and looks—a girl's dream.

He quickly strips of his long, billowy red cape and leather boats as he dismounts his faithful stead Jacob. Edward runs to Bella, so incredibly fast that we must gawk at him for another sentence or so; as it he is in slow motion and his hair fans around his face.

Bella can't think, she is disoriented by the beauty of the beautiful man who walks beautifully and made her feel beautiful though he hasn't uttered a single beautiful word. (Did I mention beautiful?)

"Oh," she calls, falling to her knees in front her—though Edward would have caught her if he wasn't moving moving in total slow motion. "I cannot bare to look at such beauty!"

"But you said you loved me," Edward insists, taking her hand. (Any way to touch her, huh?)

"I do," she wails, suddenly sobbing. "But I must add to my list of insecurities so that people can relate to me and so that I can open more drama for us! Don't you see, my vampire boyfriend that I want to give my life for though I barely know you and I just happened to figure out you read minds? More drama means more ... more ... more _angst!_"

"My worst enemy," he mutters. "But maybe it won't be if I suddenly turn a minor character into a plot twist!"

Edward stands from Bella's stalker-like grip and walks toward his horse. He slaps the poor animal across the face, but Jacob stares dumbly back at him. "See what you have done!" Edward shrieked (wacko). "You have driven my true love which I barely met a few hours ago away from me. I am jealous and you shall be my enemy from now on."

Bella stood up and defended the horse named Jacob, feeling in her heart (pfft!) that he was her friend. "No!" she shouted. "I love you both, though I can't say why, and want me to have my happily ever after! If you love me like you say you love me, you would stop fighting. Love!"

Edward hung his head dramatically, as nothing is good without dramatic things. "Yes, we must stop fighting, for Bella's sake."

The horse snorted like any other animal and walked to get a drink of water by a babbling brook.

"Then this is war!" Edward lamented, charging toward the beast.

Slow motion chocked Bella. "No!" she shouted but made no move to stop the vampire from killing an innocent horse. (You know, if you don't want something to happen, you have to _do_ something.)

However, just before he reached Jacob, Edward stopped and poked him with his pointer finger. "Tag!" he giggled, flinging himself off the cliff (nice). "You're it!"

Both the animal and the ordinary girl who is meant as nothing more than a plot device stared at the deranged man, until he crashed into the waters.

Bella sighed again, and somewhere someone ran in terror. Her sighs meant nothing but bad angst. "At least he's indestructible." She turned to Jacob the horse. "I guess you'll have to be my true love instead."

Dumb as an animal might be, nothing was crazy enough to stay with the ordinary girl with deadly attraction. He jumped off the cliff as well.

Bella sighed again (everyone, run!) and kicked the dirt. "I should probably start trying to look for something normal in life, it might make a little more sense."

Somewhere, a cricket chirped, as even he knew—wherever this mysterious insect might be—that Bella would never be normal.

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**. . . I think I just made a crack fic. Oh, well. Flames are welcome because I know this will piss a lot of readers off.**

**I can't even say a single thing about this without sounding too serious. Gosh. Review?**


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